Category Archives: holidays

It starts so early

Yes, I haven’t blogged since April of 2012. Let’s just call that out and then move on. Hoping to change it, but can’t promise anything because my life has been work work work since then, and I don’t see that changing for a little bit.

I have a friend who is a nanny. She is an awesome nanny. I couldn’t come close to being as awesome at it as she is. She looks after four kiddos, all girls. The oldest girl is starting to get shit from her dad about being fat. SHE IS EIGHT. And she looked in the mirror the other day and asked my friend, “Do I look fat?” When my friend told me this, my heart just broke. Broke. This sweet little peanut hears from her dad that she isn’t wonderful the way she is. She hears that there is something inherently wrong with her and that she needs to actively try and change that thing every day. What the ever loving fresh hell. I know most folks have probably read the studies (or read about the studies) , and we don’t need to be reminded, but we can’t ignore the fact that girls as young as THREE worry about being fat. When their biggest worry should be whether they’ll have enough time to color that day. Or build tree forts. Or run in sprinklers. Whatever kids do these days. Probably Facebook and snapchat?

I think part of what tore me up when I heard the story was just how familiar the story was. My own Dad asking me, “are you sure you want that second [fill in the blank]?” as he looked at me with disapproving eyes. “Let’s just run another 1/2 mile!” as we were out for a jog. I’m not saying my Dad didn’t love me. I think he loved me (and loves me still) so much that he just cannot shut up. That may sound twisted, and yes, it is. But understanding that has helped me to recognize that problems he has with my weight are just that. HIS problems.

He came for a visit a little over a week ago specifically to talk to me about things that were bothering him over the holiday break when I was home. I knew what he wanted to talk about; it was pretty clear most of the time I was home that he was a bit uncomfortable and that he wanted to say something but just couldn’t. I wasn’t particularly excited about re-hashing our problems/his concerns with my weight (we’ve had the talk before), but it turned out to be one of the best conversations we’ve ever had. And I think it was mostly due to the fact that I was 100% honest with him, which meant being vulnerable. For so long, I have refused to show him even a hint of vulnerability, for fear it would mean that “he won” (whatever that means). If I voiced my concern over my knee aches, or told him that I was hoping to move my body more this year, it would prove that he knew what was best for me all of those years. So giving that fear up was, for me, one of the toughest and most amazing things I’ve done in this fat activism journey. I’m hopeful that my pops is coming along for the journey as well.


wine tasting

delightful way to spend the day. happy new year!

six sigma



exciting times

i got a digital SLR!

giving thanks to my body

as Thanksgiving gets closer, I’ve been thinking a lot about what I’m thankful for (original, I know). this year, however, I’ve decided to be a bit more pro-active about those thoughts and list the top eight things I am thankful for about my body (top ten is so cliche).

I am thankful:
1. that my body allowed me to play varsity volleyball, club volleyball, and one year of college volleyball, while also playing basketball and softball. i was an awesome setter, and my body never gave up.

2. for my cheekbones.

3. that despite being a deathfattie for most of my life, i have had VERY few health problems.

4. for my flexible, strong, and pretty fingers, for they allowed me to play piano (rather well, i might add!) for 10+ years as a wee kid. Mom was right, I miss it and would like to start it up again.

5. for my curly hair. it’s awesome.

6. for my strong legs. they have carried me without fail for 30 years, through playing sports, traveling to different countries, to lifting hay bales and moving irrigation pipe.

7. for my arms; I get to hug people I love whenever I want.

8. and finally, for a body that keeps on keeping on, despite my years of not loving it. despite years of being downright mean and nasty to it. it never quit, and I only hope that through this practice I can begin to repay it for the amazing things it’s done for me, despite my shitty attitude toward it for so many years.

what are you thankful for regarding your body?