wisdom for the ages

Every so often, i check out the ways people find me here using various search engines (yay site stats!). some of them crack me up. some of them make me sad. some of them i just don’t understand. so i thought i’d respond to a few of them and if ya’ll have any additional advice, throw ’em in the comments!

common searches that lead folks to my blog:

1. “I was set up with a fat girl” or “why do my friends fix me up with fat women” or “why do I always get set up with fat girls” or some variation on that theme.

I’m assuming this person isn’t comfortable with the fact that s/he has been set up with fat women. Perhaps not, perhaps s/he’s looking for intel on how to date the species…”what do fat people talk about?” “do fat people kiss like regular people?” “will i be able to eat any of the food we get at dinner, or will she hog it all?” You know, the important questions. To the person who gets set up with fat women, I say this…fat women, on the whole, are very much like non-fat women! it’s amazing how that works! there are nice fat women, and mean fat women. fat women who are great kissers and fat women who suck at kissing. fat people talk about all sorts of things! trains, the weather, politics, clothes, religion, food, movies, and more. trust me, if you date this fat woman like you would date any other woman, i think you’ll be ok.

And to the people asking these questions because they’re pissed that their friends set them up with fat women? piss off. get over yourself, your ego, and your desire to make sure you date “appropriate” women. you may even, gasp, have a delightful date with a fatty!

2. “met online i’m fat” or “dating while fat” or “how to make friends while fat” or “best friend isn’t attracted to me overweight.”

Yeah, I feel you. I’ve been there. shit, sometimes i AM there. sometimes it just sucks to be fat. there really isn’t any other more direct way to say it. Here’s the thing: dating is just generally awful for a lot of people, regardless of your weight. It can be awkward, it can be forced. And even if you put a legit picture of yourself (read: full body or one where it’s very clear that you’re fat) on your online dating profile, there are heart palpitations and sweaty palms when you think about him/her seeing you in person and running from the table screaming. Because even with online dating, a lot of us want to say the “right” thing. “Absolutely, I would date someone ‘overweight.’ Look at me, I’m so open-minded.” But then, when an actual fat person is right in front of them, they think “oh, wait. i thought you meant ‘fat’ like jennifer lopez. like, curvy, big ass. nevermind.” Sometimes the thought of meeting new potential partners freaks me the fuck out, I’ll just say it. But you know? It wasn’t until i finally said to myself, “um, this just isn’t worth it. who CARES if someone doesn’t like me because I’m fat? I may not like them because they’re mean! or dumb! or conservative!” that I began to really relax. The beauty of it is…when you take your power and agency BACK from other people, they can’t hurt you. You don’t LET others make you feel badly because you are perfectly happy with who you are. jesus, that is SUCH a self-help book thing to say, isn’t it? but it’s true!

As to the “how to make friends while fat” piece, I can only say that much of my advice is the same. focus on yourself, find things you love about YOU. also? there is this totally awesome FA community just waiting for you, so start poking around the interwebs!

3. “i have really fat friends, will i get fat.”

yes, probably. watch out, that shit is contagious.

This was fun! I’ve saved some for next time, stay tuned!

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6 responses to “wisdom for the ages

  1. I’m confused. Maybe I’m old… Why would someone enter anything like question #1 in a search engine? This is a real, serious question people… Totally not getting it…

    –Andy Jo–

    • i think in this day and age, we turn immediately to the internet to provide us with answers to things we’re not sure about. my guess is someone was seriously confused that his/her friends would set him/her up with fat women, and fat women aren’t desirable. so maybe he/she could find some answers or a community of folks online to help with this horrendous horrendous situation? (sarcasm, of course, in the last point, but i do truly think some folks think getting set up with fat people is positively awful)

  2. *gigglesnort* “that shit is contagious”

    I really did LOL.

  3. I know this is kind of a late reply to this post, but I can *so* identify with what you’ve written about online dating. Especially those first meetings where the guy is seeing me IRL for the first time. Even though I include several (clothed) full body pics of myself with my online dating profile, for some reason a majority of guys I’ve met in person still seem surprised and/or disappointed by “the real me” that I rarely hear from them again after the first or second date, and have heard from two different guys afterward that they “just didn’t find me that attractive.” As you write, it’s like they weren’t expecting someone “quite that fat,” or “actually fat,” like they were expecting someone with a Jennifer Lopez-ish body shape.

    What disappoints me about this, though, is not the fact that these guys don’t find me attractive because I’m “fat in the wrong places” or “fatter than what they’re looking for.” What disappoints me is the fact that the guys are not honest with themselves or me about what they’re looking for when they respond to my online dating profile. I mean, my full body pics are there for a reason, so why go through the process of chatting me up online, piquing my interest, having that first slightly awkward, amusing phone call, and meeting me in person if you’re not that interested in the first place? What you see in my full body pics is what you get. I’m not going to magically turn into Kim Kardashian or Jennifer Lopez by walking through the doors of the coffee shop where we’ve decided to meet. So if you’re iffy about what you see in my pics with my dating profile, or “just testing the waters,” don’t contact me. I don’t need to get all hopeful that I’ve met someone who’s actually interested in me if you just want to see “how fat I actually am.” I’m fat. You’ve seen my pics. If you think my sense of humor or intelligence might “make up for it,” don’t bother. Love my brains, love my bod. If you’re iffy about one of those things, don’t waste my time.

    • this. “the guys are not honest with themselves or me about what they’re looking for when they respond to my online dating profile.”

      It can be SO frustrating when we’ve done work ourselves to combat society’s vision of what is an “appropriate” body, but those who wish to date us have clearly not.

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