what if you don’t love your body?

Sometimes I get really down on myself for not loving my body exactly as it is now. It feels like I’m being a traitor to the FA movement, that I’m not truly an FA activist. i think part of it stems from the fact that most of the FA blogs I read are written by women who have been doing this work for a lot longer than I have – they are further along the FA spectrum and seem to be more comfortable in their skin. I realize this is unfair both to me and to them. it’s unfair to me because this entire thing is simply a process, and to demand of myself that I be ALL POSITIVE ALL THE TIME I LOVE MYSELF HOORAY is just entirely unrealistic. there are ups and downs and what I’m trying to do is combat 30 years of messaging (dare I say brainwashing?) about how my body is not the ideal, how I should be striving to make my body “better” to find a man, how I must be totally unhealthy simply by virtue of how much I weigh, and on and on. And it’s unfair to the other FA bloggers out there because in assuming that they have “made it” (“it” being FA nirvana in which they sit and bask in their bodily awesomeness every single day with nary a negative thought) negates their journey and process. Of COURSE it’s hard for everyone, and of COURSE there are days where even the most experienced FA activist just feels like crap about herself.

I know that there are up days and down days. I know this. i just needed to acknowledge that it’s been hard for me lately. I’m going on a little vacay to the beach next week and I’ve had some serious anxiety about it. about the bathing suit aspect, mostly. I’m thinking to myself “why the fuck am I doing this work if i’m still going to be nervous and anxious about being in a bathing suit? have i learned NOTHING?” My goal is to take inspiration from other folks out there who experience the self-hate and then choose to say “fuck it, I’m gonna enjoy myself anyway.” What I’m going to focus on is having fun with some of my besties that I haven’t seen in a long time. I moved away from so many of my loved ones last April and I SO do not want to be focusing on how i look in a bathing suit when i’m with them. I want to be focusing on great conversations, on beer and tamales on the beach, on the sun, and on reading new books. The anxiety comes from knowing that doing this will not be easy at all.


11 responses to “what if you don’t love your body?

  1. Oh my darling, is anything in life easy? It doesn’t matter what you look like or weigh, life is what you make of it! There is no FA Nirvana (though the thought of “Fat Ass Nirvana” as a band name is marvelous!) because it is a journey with no destination. It is a pathway of nothing else. It is about nurturing yourself when the world turns its back on your fatness. It is a community of support and a wealth of knowledge. It is sort of like in the Matrix when he chooses the red pill. Sure, we could all go back to dieting and hating ourselves 24/7, but that was no fun (and often dangerous). I’d rather know and speak the truth (red pill) than live in a world of fantasies and lies (blue pill). I have truly enjoyed your entries lately and while I don’t always comment, I do read. You offer great insight for newbies and reminders for veteran FA’ers. Keep ’em coming!

    • thank you SO much for your kind and wonderful words! and holy crap, if i played an instrument i would rock the shit out of that band name! red pill all the way 🙂 and right back at you w/ the blog love – yours is absolutely fantastic and i heart it very much.

  2. Aww! *fatty hugs* I think if you read any FA blog long enough you find the heart and soul of the writer and see that they, too struggle. We all do. It’s the support of my fellow bloggers and love from my readers that keeps me going.
    BTW: My dream is an all-fatty band, I sing! ❤

  3. Oh, I know how you feel. I have been there and I expect I’ll be there again. It’s been a long, slow, slogging journey to the place where I am now, and there’s no magic to it, just years of living. I’m also annoyingly positive at times, and I get called out on it all of the time, so it’s a part of my personality, a flip side to my own depressive tendencies.
    I worked the “fake it ’till you make it” attitude for a very long time — and woke up one day realizing I wasn’t faking anymore.
    I wish you much fun, great reads, ice cold beer, delicious tamales, and that your harshest inner (and any outer) critic take a vacation and leave you alone to enjoy yourself. I know it’s not as simple as that, but if I had a magic want, that’s what I would wave it for.

    • “there’s no magic to it, just years of living” – this sentiment is both daunting and totally uplifting, if that makes sense. daunting because it feels like i have less control over it (and i like to have control over things) 🙂 but completely and utterly uplifting because it means that every day I am involved in this work, it’s another lesson learned, another day or year lived, another awesome blogger i get introduced to, etc. Thank you for your fabulous wishes! If I’m having any rough times, you can be damn sure I’ll be thinking of them.

  4. I tend to be what people call high-strung, and I like to feel anxious about the stupidest of things. So I baby-step my way through life and try to focus only on the the now. I’m not sure if I’m making sense… (And, totally off topic, but “fake it till you make it”really works, I got rid of my arachnophobia that way. ) Anyway, enjoy your vacation, one step at a time!

    • wow, that’s kind of amazing about the arachnophobia! Focusing on the present is so important and something I strive to do every day. Certainly I fail at times but I’ve become much better at it the past few years. FA has helped me work on it even more!

  5. Boy, I understand. FA is literally my LIFE (fat positive researcher here), and I still have days where thinner can be seductive. But I come here (the Fatosphere). And I read posts from people like you. And I am reminded of why I do what I do. And I am reminded to practice loving my body, whether I feel it or not.

    And it gets better again. Hang in there — this too shall pass.

    • thank you for the awesome work that you do!! And good lord, coming to the Fatosphere was the single best thing I’ve done for myself – it makes me smile to know that folks who have been doing this for a lot longer still get amazing and wonderful things out of it as well.

  6. Thanks for the ticket on the Real-Deal Train, beauty–and for risking the level of intimate deep sharing with all of us out here in cyberworld.

    I love that you will get to be with your NW tribe in just a couple of days (and kinda jealous that they get to see you and I/we don’t)

  7. Everyone has such wonderful and insightful comments, it makes me happy to read them and think of how strong, accepting, and awesome so many women out there are. I don’t have anything amazing to say, just that I hope you have a BLAST on your trip and enjoy every moment with your friends. Soak up that sun, drink lots of coronas, get a fabulous tan, and stay away from anything that makes you think of real (or imaginary!) dog fights! I love you!!

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