Recently, a friend asked me who this blog is written for. Is it for me – a sort of semi-public journal – or is it a way to educate and inform my loved ones about general fat acceptance principles and how I live my life trying to use them? It wasn’t asked in any sort of “well what the hell is this thing, explain yourself!” kind of way. It came about because I expressed frustration at the fact that none of my family or friends would talk to me about my posts. it was starting to feel like the people I love didn’t want to go on this journey with me.
In the beginning, blogging was only about me, and i said as much. When I started, I told about 5 people that this blog existed and explicitly asked most of them not to comment. I was nervous enough hitting “publish” after I wrote my first entry that the thought of everyone I know reading it scared the fresh hell out of me. I wasn’t ready to begin having these conversations on a day to day basis. This was a place to dump my “big thoughts” and then move on for a few weeks.
But things started to shift. I started to feel sad, and a little frustrated, and maybe a little angry.
I would post something that felt incredibly raw and scary and…nothing. No comments, no discussion out in the real world. Don’t people know how hard this is for me? don’t they want to love and support my self-acceptance work? where the hell is everyone? And then I had this conversation with my friend, and I really started to think about why i do this, who i do it for, and how I can be more intentional about it all.
I don’t have my close group of friends here yet and I’ve been feeling a need to reach out to have the kinds of conversations you have with your best girl friends. Instead of having them with my actual friends, however, i’ve turned to this medium. This is easier when you don’t have the time to chat with your besties on the phone into the wee hours of the night. So I’ve started to think of this whole blogging thing as a bit of a conversation, but it’s felt one-sided.
Then I had a few thoughts. One – I told almost no one about this blog and I certainly never brought up my posts with those who did know. How are people supposed to magically know that I’m ready to talk about it? I wasn’t being fair in my frustration. Two – I’ve never been good at asking for what I want/need. to answer my friend’s question, this blog is both. It is a place for me to write down my thoughts and do some self-reflection and it is also a place that others can come to learn about the broader fat acceptance movement and my journey in it. And I’m ready to have these conversations on a day to day basis. And third – this is about me. This is my work, so I don’t feel the need to force it upon anyone else.
So I’m asking for what I want/need, and I’m also stating what I don’t want/need. I don’t need all ya’ll to start commenting away, especially if you don’t feel comfortable doing so. I mean, I certainly love it and if you want to, rock the hell on. I don’t even need you to read this is you don’t want. Self-acceptance around body image is some hard fucking work, and reading about others journeys can be triggering, so if reading what i post doesn’t feel right or good to you, then I would never want you to do so. What I am letting you know is that you can talk to me “offline” about this stuff if you feel so inclined. I’m ready.