so?

So, how AM i? i feel gross. The first time i described feeling “gross” in therapy, my therapist was really taken back and we spent the rest of the session talking about how we talk about ourselves (christ, i love therapy). I think it’s just a word my peer group uses as a place holder – it helps to have a way to describe a variety of things. Food that doesn’t taste good? gross. Dude who says something inappropriate? gross. and so on. but in relation to my body, it may mean something bigger, no pun intended. A quick typing into the ol’ dictionary.com tells me gross means, among other things, “indelicate, indecent, obscene, vulgar, extremely or excessively fat, extremely objectionable, offensive, or disgusting.” yeah, ouch. It doesn’t take much to convince me that my use of this word to describe my body is a direct result of thinking some of these exact words about myself at one time or another.

What I mean when i say i feel gross is this: I lack pep. this is the best (and shortest) way i can describe it. I think that i probably weigh the most (or near the most) that i’ve ever weighed right now (i’m proud to say I don’t know for sure, as I don’t have a scale and likely will never have one in my house again). and for the first time, i can truly and honestly say that my newfound desire to lose weight stems from my desire to get my pep back, NOT to “look hot” or “get thinner.” So this is where i choose to live for a while – in this happy place that illustrates how far i’ve come. In the past, my main goal in losing weight has been to feel better about myself in a way that is directly tied with how i look in the mirror (and how others perceive me). Or, i’ve expressed a desire to lose weight and then been pissed at myself for letting them win/buying into the societally approved version of hotness. But this feels different.

However. This line of thinking used to be the hard part. i became a master at losing pounds quickly and consistently through diet and exercise but it was never sustainable. I think it wasn’t sustainable because I hadn’t done much thought-work (is that a thing?) around WHY i wanted to lose the weight. So now I have, and I feel like I’m starting from a better place, but the hard part has shifted. Now the hard part is actually getting out and moving and cooking better foods, which freaks me the fuck out frankly because it never used to be this hard. and THAT is some scary shit.

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