I think I’ve been getting pretty good lately at not thinking about this whole fat acceptance thing. it’s certainly easy to hide behind work and a new city and all that comes with both of those. I can’t tell yet if i’m ignoring it because there is some ugly stuff bubbling up in me and i don’t want to let it out, or because i feel less of a charge around my weight and size, or just because i’ve been pretty g-d busy and i’m tired. does it matter the reason?
Other posts have come about as a result of some serious thinkin’ on my part. i’ve tossed and turned a piece of fat acceptance in my head for a few days and when I feel ready, then I write about it. I wonder if blogging is about more than that, though. Maybe I should be making this a routine so that it truly does become a record of my journey with fat acceptance? because as it stands now, this space doesn’t really feel like a true version of my work with fat acceptance and instead feels like a place to put my BIG THOUGHTS. And i know that i certainly have small thoughts and reminders on a daily basis of the work that i’m doing. but i don’t feel the need/desire to post those? i’m choosing to be ok with that, and to let this space (and my relationship to it) change and grow organically.
I do know, however, that i haven’t been confronted in a deep way about my size in a while…it feels as though i’m disconnecting from my body again in a way that i didn’t want to be. I worked hard in therapy to make sure that I acknowledged my body and didn’t disconnect from it, but it’s scary because i can feel that happening. It’s just easier. It’s also easier to ignore my body when I don’t have all of my friends around me. I’m not sad to be on my own and in fact quite enjoy my alone-ness, but the conversations with my friends now generally consist of “what are you up to? how’s work?” and less of “how ARE you?” I think that’s what I miss most in not being around my people. I’m clearly not checking in with myself and asking “how AM i?”
so i’m going to start more days with that question.