just some pondering

I think I’ve been getting pretty good lately at not thinking about this whole fat acceptance thing. it’s certainly easy to hide behind work and a new city and all that comes with both of those. I can’t tell yet if i’m ignoring it because there is some ugly stuff bubbling up in me and i don’t want to let it out, or because i feel less of a charge around my weight and size, or just because i’ve been pretty g-d busy and i’m tired. does it matter the reason?

Other posts have come about as a result of some serious thinkin’ on my part. i’ve tossed and turned a piece of fat acceptance in my head for a few days and when I feel ready, then I write about it. I wonder if blogging is about more than that, though. Maybe I should be making this a routine so that it truly does become a record of my journey with fat acceptance? because as it stands now, this space doesn’t really feel like a true version of my work with fat acceptance and instead feels like a place to put my BIG THOUGHTS. And i know that i certainly have small thoughts and reminders on a daily basis of the work that i’m doing. but i don’t feel the need/desire to post those? i’m choosing to be ok with that, and to let this space (and my relationship to it) change and grow organically.

I do know, however, that i haven’t been confronted in a deep way about my size in a while…it feels as though i’m disconnecting from my body again in a way that i didn’t want to be. I worked hard in therapy to make sure that I acknowledged my body and didn’t disconnect from it, but it’s scary because i can feel that happening. It’s just easier. It’s also easier to ignore my body when I don’t have all of my friends around me. I’m not sad to be on my own and in fact quite enjoy my alone-ness, but the conversations with my friends now generally consist of “what are you up to? how’s work?” and less of “how ARE you?” I think that’s what I miss most in not being around my people. I’m clearly not checking in with myself and asking “how AM i?”

so i’m going to start more days with that question.

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2 responses to “just some pondering

  1. While of course I want to hear about work and the whatnot of life, good books, good restaurants, bad movies etc. etc., I always care more about how ARE you than the other stuff. The work stuff seems so tangible though. So easy to dig into. And it’s the peice I also know you’re happy with, so that feels easier to get to sometimes. I never thought about that somehow, yet it’s sort of an obvious thing, no?

    But the small stuff, the little stuff of how you are and how you got to be the way you are today, that’s the stuff worth paying attention to, talking about, writing about, thinking about, hearing about. That’s the journey. It’s all the little stuff that adds up to life. It’s the easiest to ignore, but it’s also where all the hidden good, beautiful, scarey, ugly, meaningful stuff lies. I’m glad you’re thinking about it.

  2. i agree, it just feels really difficult to jump into the meatier stuff when my conversations with friends don’t happen super frequently, you know? i realize it’s a choice and you just *decide* to focus on those convos, but it hasn’t been as easy for me as i thought it would.

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