go big or go home – ootd no. 0.5

the last time I remember being in public with bare arms is about 4 years ago in portland, oregon when i perhaps would have died of heat stroke (i know. portland. but it was one of the 2 days in the state that gets hotter than blazes). as a rule, i, like many fatties, do not bare arm it. this is something i want to change. i also want this year to be full of doing things that are scary/unfamiliar to me.

so, i bring you my first OOTD (for the uninitiated, “ootd” means Outfit of the Day and there are entire blogs dedicated to them (check out the ones over there on the right side of this blog under “fatshion” to get yourself started)).

this is ootd no. 0.5 because it’s not a full outfit. but, you know, baby steps. this pic is very symbolic for me. it symbolizes a huge step in my FA journey, it symbolizes a promise to myself to try and do things that scare me. the bathing suit top is from Land’s End – can I get a woot for underwire??

what if you don’t love your body?

Sometimes I get really down on myself for not loving my body exactly as it is now. It feels like I’m being a traitor to the FA movement, that I’m not truly an FA activist. i think part of it stems from the fact that most of the FA blogs I read are written by women who have been doing this work for a lot longer than I have – they are further along the FA spectrum and seem to be more comfortable in their skin. I realize this is unfair both to me and to them. it’s unfair to me because this entire thing is simply a process, and to demand of myself that I be ALL POSITIVE ALL THE TIME I LOVE MYSELF HOORAY is just entirely unrealistic. there are ups and downs and what I’m trying to do is combat 30 years of messaging (dare I say brainwashing?) about how my body is not the ideal, how I should be striving to make my body “better” to find a man, how I must be totally unhealthy simply by virtue of how much I weigh, and on and on. And it’s unfair to the other FA bloggers out there because in assuming that they have “made it” (“it” being FA nirvana in which they sit and bask in their bodily awesomeness every single day with nary a negative thought) negates their journey and process. Of COURSE it’s hard for everyone, and of COURSE there are days where even the most experienced FA activist just feels like crap about herself.

I know that there are up days and down days. I know this. i just needed to acknowledge that it’s been hard for me lately. I’m going on a little vacay to the beach next week and I’ve had some serious anxiety about it. about the bathing suit aspect, mostly. I’m thinking to myself “why the fuck am I doing this work if i’m still going to be nervous and anxious about being in a bathing suit? have i learned NOTHING?” My goal is to take inspiration from other folks out there who experience the self-hate and then choose to say “fuck it, I’m gonna enjoy myself anyway.” What I’m going to focus on is having fun with some of my besties that I haven’t seen in a long time. I moved away from so many of my loved ones last April and I SO do not want to be focusing on how i look in a bathing suit when i’m with them. I want to be focusing on great conversations, on beer and tamales on the beach, on the sun, and on reading new books. The anxiety comes from knowing that doing this will not be easy at all.