putting myself first – growing pains

*possible triggering re food restriction*

Recently, I got a comment on one of my earlier posts that I decided not to approve, for a variety of reasons. The commenter mentioned that she only eats one meal a day in order to try and lose weight because she feels that’s what her doctor wants her to do.

This is the first comment that I haven’t approved and it’s been sitting, quite uncomfortably, with me for a few days. I reached out to the ever so fabulous Fat Heffalump for some advice, as I don’t currently have these conversations with the people in my every day not-virtual life (sidebar – this is one of my favorite things about choosing to blog about FA, it has introduced me to some awesome people that i get to have amazing, nuanced, and challenging discussions with!). I think I have figured out what didn’t sit well with me about the comment.

Well, I think it’s two things. First, the comment was a bit triggering for me. I haven’t actually ever restricted my food to one meal a day, but I’ve certainly counted calories, food journaled, and obsessed over every little thing I put into my body (followed by mind-numbing guilt and telling myself some pretty horrible, awful, mean things that I would never say out loud).

And second, this work I do has been one of the first things (only things?) i’ve done JUST for me. I get to set the stage, I get to set boundaries, and I get to focus first and foremost on how I feel about things. I’m not saying I was some total saint who ONLY thought about others around her (yeah, how awful for me. i’m just TOO amazing a friend. /sarcasm). What I’m saying is that when it came to my body, my size, my health, I let every one else be the expert/steer the ship. Doctors will tell me if I’m unhealthy (and because I’m fat, I must be unhealthy), my friends will discuss their dieting habits even though it makes me uncomfortable but I say nothing because who wants to be THAT person who wants the conversation to go according to HER beliefs?, and on and on.

This though? This work? In this work, I get to make the decisions. And while it may sound like I’m totally on board with that idea, sometimes it’s really hard. Because I do things like disapprove of someone’s opinions or thoughts and I mostly hate the idea that someone has to abide by my strict rules to play. But I’m hating that idea less and less, which I think is good because this work is hard – it’s energy-sapping sometimes, and the only way that I can sustain it and maintain my health (mental or otherwise) is to set some ground rules that ensure this stays my happy place (not “happy” happy all the time, b/c there’s certainly some sad shit going on here, but you know what I mean). Other bloggers have “no diet/weight loss talk” caveats on their blogs and I may follow suit. We’ll see. If anyone has good examples of those caveats, send ‘em my way!

new years intention

i hate resolutions. i’ve never really made them for a variety of reasons: i certainly like the idea of self-assessment, but feel that it needs to happen more than once a year for me and focusing on setting resolutions on a set day seems a little disingenuous; my relationship with food and dieting has been all-consuming for much of my life and setting up resolutions to then not meet them is very triggering to me, it feels like yet another weight loss goal that i set for myself and fail to meet; i feel like i’m taking part in The Great Lose Weight/Look “Better” Challenge that most folks set up for themselves through new years resolutions. For a lot of people (and certainly showcased in the media through commercials, advertisements, gym specials, etc), new years resolutions are about looking “better” through weight loss. Inherent in this resolution is the idea that we look like crap if we’re fat. You can see where I’m going with this. Not a fan.

Instead, i’ve spend the last couple days reflecting upon my FA journey. Many days it’s all I want to do. I want to read books voraciously, engage in fantastic conversations with other FA bloggers, educate my loved ones, and spend hours getting inspired by the countless fatshionistas out there. And some days it’s exhausting. I get tired of squeezing into small spaces, of going straight to the accessory and handbag section of most straight-sized stores when i shop with friends, of needing to be the cultural ambassador for fatties when talking to my family, of defending my size, of of of.

Don’t get me wrong. Choosing to do this work and to blog about it has been the best decision I’ve made in my 30 years.

Enter one of my intentions for this year. WordPress has introduced a challenge called The Daily Post. It’s pretty much what it sounds like – one post a day for the year. That seems a bit on the daunting side to this new blogger, so instead I will be partaking in their “post a week” challenge throughout the year. For the last couple months of 2010 I posted about once a week and I like the idea of carrying that practice through this entire year. To a wonderful, challenging, inspiring, and intention-setting year!

quick thoughts on big things

I’ve been away for a while and there’s probably a billion reasons for it. the obvious – I moved, got a new job, found an apartment, started the new job, bought furniture, loved the new job, attempted to unpack but really just moved things around from room to room, still love the new job, etc etc. The not so obvious – this shit is hard and I don’t wanna do it. even though i do. and when i decide to share it, people will know that I struggle with this and it will be scary to let them in.

HOWEVER, i am forging ahead. and kind of a lot has happened in the last couple months. so i’m going to do a brain dump just so i can get this bizz up and rolling again.

1. I bought the largest size pants i’ve ever purchased a few weeks ago. i thought i would collapse in the store and die of shame. alas, I did not. and my belly thanks me for the jeans that are comfortable. horror of horrors, they are a number higher than some of my other jeans! who the fuck cares – i also have jeans that are two sizes smaller that fit me better, so there you go.

2. my great uncle told me that if I didn’t want to lose weight, i was deluding myself. fuck him.

3. i have an apartment. this is not body image/FA related, but I want to share it because i love it and it makes me happy. and it will be my home when I really dive into this blog – I can picture myself sitting on the couch looking out on the gorgeous palm trees and architecture and sunny skies while clacking away at my computer. much like i’m doing right now. and this makes me smile. hooray!

4. i’ve decided to recommit (or, frankly, actually commit for the first time) to using this space in a very intentional, meaningful way.

here we go…

This is my space. Not “myspace” which has forever ruined putting together the word “my” and the word “space” but I’m going to just go with it.

I am claiming my space. “Taking it up” as it were. I am not going to apologize on the bus for taking up more than my societally approved fair share of the seat. I am acknowledging that i take up space.

This is the beginning for me – or, one of the beginnings, as I’m sure there will be many. I have learned from beautiful, insightful, thoughtful, gorgeous writers out there in the fatosphere who are doing absolutely incredible work in the area of fat acceptance – fatshionista, the rotund, etc. What is missing, for me, is dialog around the *process* of fat acceptance. I am delighted at the prospect of one day being able to truly believe what I am typing here. I don’t now.

I have thought for a long time that people should really only blog when they have something to say that is “worth” sharing. The act of writing out your thoughts/expertise/etc seemed very self-indulgent and somehow inappropriate. Just recently, though, it became clear to me that my journey through fat acceptance is extremely personal (which is good) and also very private (which may not be as good). I don’t talk about this work I’m doing with my family or friends. There comes a point where it’s necessary to reach out for support. I can’t do this alone. And for a while I thought I could do it alone (and wanted to).

SO, I’m sharing my thoughts. This is the scariest thing I’ve done (recognizing that my life is pretty cushy); I am publicly announcing that I take up space. I have a body. I have a body that I am sick of talking shit about every single day.

I imagine the goal of this blog will be fluid. Right now, the purpose is to get thoughts out there. Maybe for no one other than myself.