the fat body and running

I’ve had a bit of a relationship with running. We’ve been on and off (ok, mostly off) for a long time. I think, “running seems so fabulous. so…effortless, so…just me and the road, so tranquil” and then i do it and think, “what the ever loving fresh hell?! this hurts! i quit.” And then I go, “but it’s free! and so many of your friends do it! maybe if you just kept at it a little longer you would find the runner inside yourself!” So i do it some more. But then I get frustrated because if you’re fat and want to run, your choices for running clothes are, um, zero. It’s cotton for all fatties! We want you to lose weight and stop being a burden on society, what with all your health and your obesity and your OMGDEATHZ, but we’ll be damned if we’re going to make it easier on you by offering, I don’t know, cute yet functional and breathable running clothes in your size? please. (athleta, I’m looking at YOU)

So, yes, that is the relationship in a nutshell. Of course it’s more complicated than that, but those are the cliffs notes. I started running (and I should say by “running” i mean jogging and sometimes walking/jogging, not, like, sprinting with the speed of the wind or anything) after I graduated from college a little over 12 years ago. The purpose was losing weight. And I actually enjoyed it for the most part. I had no idea what I was doing (other than putting one foot in front of the other in a speedy manner and propelling myself forward, I mean), but it was a nice way to see and learn the neighborhood a few times a week. But then I stopped, for whatever reason I don’t remember, and I gained all the weight I had lost back (apparently that’s how diets work? /sarcasm). So the next time I picked up running, it was really really hard. It hurt because I didn’t have the proper gear and because, newsflash, when you have jiggly bouncy parts they tend to both jiggle and bounce more when you’re running. But I pushed myself because I was raised with the old “no pain, no gain” adage. This, of course, made me hate running because it came to represent yet another way I was failing – failing to lose weight, failing to have the better body, failing to enjoy a sport that so many do, etc etc. So I didn’t start running again for a long time.

Fast forward to grad school and I’m surrounded by, like, tons of wonderful friends who love to run! They do marathons, even! So I think “ok, this can’t be that bad.” In the Northwestern United States it’s like a damn rule that you run and love it and exclaim it to the world. I didn’t stop much to think about what I felt about running, and that was because I hadn’t yet started the mental heavy lifting and FA work that I did toward the end of grad school. So I started running again, doing the Couch to 5K training program that I had heard such wonderful things about. I quit that after about a month, not necessarily because I didn’t like the program, but because it’s hard to stay motivated when you’re running by yourself and I always felt awful running with other people because I, inevitably, would be much slower than anyone else and dragging people down to my level felt like shit. I had one friend I would run with that was awesome – she repeatedly told me that it didn’t matter the pace I ran, she just liked hanging out and she could always run ahead and then come back. And I believed her, but it didn’t matter. I still felt like a slow fatty mc slowpoke and I hated being that.

Now we’re here at this evening, where I just finished my second run under the Couch to 5K program with my sister. And I feel awesome. And this is the heaviest I’ve been in my whole life (i think, i don’t own a scale). This is certainly the “worst” shape I’ve been in in my life, but I feel pretty good! Part of that is because I finally get to look the part and however silly that sounds, it’s huge (pun intended). Nike carries extended sizes (granted, only up to a 3X, so I know that leaves out a big ‘ol portion of folks) and I purchased my first ever pair of dri-fit pants (hah, i wrote that as “dry-fat” pants at first). Anyway, dri-fit! That shit is magic! Does the rest of the world know about this? Anyway, yes, I get to wear cute clothes that are performance driven, which means that it makes it more comfortable to run. Which is awesome. The other awesome piece in all of this? I’ve decided to be nicer to myself and just go with the flow in terms of pacing. My sister runs ahead of me and I just plod along, not really giving a shit. And? There’s less pain associated with the jiggly bouncy parts because I’m not running super fast! genius! Last night when we went for our first run, I was really struggling with those old thoughts, “man, if you hadn’t let yourself get this bad, this wouldn’t be as hard right now” and “look how slow you’re going, does this even count as running?” and on and on. And I imagine I’ll still struggle with those thoughts now and then. But in the in-between moments, I’ve decided to be kind to my body. And look around and enjoy the actual ACT of running. It’s been kind of rainy the last couple nights, and running with a little mist blowing around, and twinkly lights around the lake, and the smell of bbq and weed and fresh cut grass? Not too shabby. And this time around, I’m not running to lose weight. I’m running to move my body more and enjoy the fresh air and spend more time with my sister. I also realize that i have a body that allows me to do this, so this is an ableist post. There are others that can’t do what I’m doing and I want to recognize that, while also celebrating this new piece of FA for me.

an ode to self-care. and, happy blogiversary!

I started this blog exactly one year ago today (hooray!) so I’ve been reflecting a lot lately. I’ve also been feeling a bit sad and down the last few days, for a variety of reasons. My work is controversial – reproductive justice is, unfortunately, a contentious issue. For those of in the States, we’ve been dealing with some incredibly oppressive and patriarchal proposed legislation that would make it virtually impossible for low income women and women of color to access reproductive health care, including abortion. I don’t work on the front lines – I’m not a provider, i don’t do policy work, and i’m not on capitol hill. I am, however, steeped in this movement and there are some days when I just want to scream “ENOUGH!!!!” at the top of my lungs. STOP trying to exert control over women’s bodies, STOP trying to pretend that you’re “pro-life” when you don’t actually give a shit about what happens to low income families and children once they’re born and instead choose to slash public benefits and health care, STOP acting as though the decisions you would make are the decisions we ALL should make. So many of these threads run through my work in fat acceptance as well. We receive messages every single day about our bodies, our food choices, the way we present ourselves to the world. It gets tiring! And it fills me with this huge, profound sense of sadness.

Going online and into the wonderful, fabulous FA community is an incredible way for me to combat the negative messages/images/legislation because I’m welcomed into a place that “loves, without judgment”, but i’ve started to leave other forms of self-care by the wayside and that’s not good. So this is me, committing to practicing more self-care. Baths, a ‘lil facial now and then, getting outside more, reading, taking photos.

Speaking of, when I turn my head to the left and look out my window, this is what I see. little slice of happiness right there! welcome spring!

putting myself first – growing pains

*possible triggering re food restriction*

Recently, I got a comment on one of my earlier posts that I decided not to approve, for a variety of reasons. The commenter mentioned that she only eats one meal a day in order to try and lose weight because she feels that’s what her doctor wants her to do.

This is the first comment that I haven’t approved and it’s been sitting, quite uncomfortably, with me for a few days. I reached out to the ever so fabulous Fat Heffalump for some advice, as I don’t currently have these conversations with the people in my every day not-virtual life (sidebar – this is one of my favorite things about choosing to blog about FA, it has introduced me to some awesome people that i get to have amazing, nuanced, and challenging discussions with!). I think I have figured out what didn’t sit well with me about the comment.

Well, I think it’s two things. First, the comment was a bit triggering for me. I haven’t actually ever restricted my food to one meal a day, but I’ve certainly counted calories, food journaled, and obsessed over every little thing I put into my body (followed by mind-numbing guilt and telling myself some pretty horrible, awful, mean things that I would never say out loud).

And second, this work I do has been one of the first things (only things?) i’ve done JUST for me. I get to set the stage, I get to set boundaries, and I get to focus first and foremost on how I feel about things. I’m not saying I was some total saint who ONLY thought about others around her (yeah, how awful for me. i’m just TOO amazing a friend. /sarcasm). What I’m saying is that when it came to my body, my size, my health, I let every one else be the expert/steer the ship. Doctors will tell me if I’m unhealthy (and because I’m fat, I must be unhealthy), my friends will discuss their dieting habits even though it makes me uncomfortable but I say nothing because who wants to be THAT person who wants the conversation to go according to HER beliefs?, and on and on.

This though? This work? In this work, I get to make the decisions. And while it may sound like I’m totally on board with that idea, sometimes it’s really hard. Because I do things like disapprove of someone’s opinions or thoughts and I mostly hate the idea that someone has to abide by my strict rules to play. But I’m hating that idea less and less, which I think is good because this work is hard – it’s energy-sapping sometimes, and the only way that I can sustain it and maintain my health (mental or otherwise) is to set some ground rules that ensure this stays my happy place (not “happy” happy all the time, b/c there’s certainly some sad shit going on here, but you know what I mean). Other bloggers have “no diet/weight loss talk” caveats on their blogs and I may follow suit. We’ll see. If anyone has good examples of those caveats, send ‘em my way!

the doctor

So, I am afraid to go to the doctor in my new city. This is not a new phenomenon for fat people. Studies show that fat folks visit the doctor less and it’s no surprise why – there is some deep-seeded prejudice toward fat patients coming from the medical community. Shit, it starts in med school. That New York Times article I linked to up there? It cites a study done by the Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity at Yale that found that more than half of the 620 primary care doctors questioned described obese patients as “awkward, unattractive, ugly, and unlikely to comply with treatment.” Yeah, who wants to go to a place where half of the population thinks THAT about you?

When I lived in Seattle, I researched the hell out of docs before I made an appointment for a physical. For, like, months. I had my heart set on this woman who is a DO (Doctor of Osteopathy; they do the same amount of schooling as MDs but their curriculum centers more around treating the whole patient. hippie shit, i like it.). She was young and focused on women’s health. I thought she’d be the easiest to go to. I told her i was having trouble sleeping. She told me to lose weight. It was the FIRST thing out of her mouth. not, are you depressed? have you changed beds? is there more stress in your life right now? My blood work has been normal every time, my blood pressure is a-ok, cholesterol spot on. And frankly, it doesn’t even matter that I have good health indicators. It doesn’t matter if any of us do. We all deserve to be treated with dignity regardless. I left the doctor’s office feeling that it was my fault I couldn’t sleep. If I wasn’t so fat, this wouldn’t be a problem! Frankly, not much motivation to lose weight. A few months after that my knees started to hurt, a LOT. But I didn’t go to the doctor because i didn’t want to be told in a cold, calculating way that i’m basically doing this to myself.

When I don’t go to the doctor because I’m afraid, I’m essentially telling myself that I am not worth competent, compassionate medical attention. And this is something I struggle with quite a bit. I’ve been down here for almost a year and I still haven’t gone to the doctor. It certainly helps to read others’ stories. I’d like to really focus this year on honoring my health better.

So, fatties who have gone before me? What are some good resources for me to check out so that I can feel prepared for my first appointment? There’s a website out there that has a list of HAES-friendly docs but I can’t remember it.

what if you don’t love your body?

Sometimes I get really down on myself for not loving my body exactly as it is now. It feels like I’m being a traitor to the FA movement, that I’m not truly an FA activist. i think part of it stems from the fact that most of the FA blogs I read are written by women who have been doing this work for a lot longer than I have – they are further along the FA spectrum and seem to be more comfortable in their skin. I realize this is unfair both to me and to them. it’s unfair to me because this entire thing is simply a process, and to demand of myself that I be ALL POSITIVE ALL THE TIME I LOVE MYSELF HOORAY is just entirely unrealistic. there are ups and downs and what I’m trying to do is combat 30 years of messaging (dare I say brainwashing?) about how my body is not the ideal, how I should be striving to make my body “better” to find a man, how I must be totally unhealthy simply by virtue of how much I weigh, and on and on. And it’s unfair to the other FA bloggers out there because in assuming that they have “made it” (“it” being FA nirvana in which they sit and bask in their bodily awesomeness every single day with nary a negative thought) negates their journey and process. Of COURSE it’s hard for everyone, and of COURSE there are days where even the most experienced FA activist just feels like crap about herself.

I know that there are up days and down days. I know this. i just needed to acknowledge that it’s been hard for me lately. I’m going on a little vacay to the beach next week and I’ve had some serious anxiety about it. about the bathing suit aspect, mostly. I’m thinking to myself “why the fuck am I doing this work if i’m still going to be nervous and anxious about being in a bathing suit? have i learned NOTHING?” My goal is to take inspiration from other folks out there who experience the self-hate and then choose to say “fuck it, I’m gonna enjoy myself anyway.” What I’m going to focus on is having fun with some of my besties that I haven’t seen in a long time. I moved away from so many of my loved ones last April and I SO do not want to be focusing on how i look in a bathing suit when i’m with them. I want to be focusing on great conversations, on beer and tamales on the beach, on the sun, and on reading new books. The anxiety comes from knowing that doing this will not be easy at all.

new years intention

i hate resolutions. i’ve never really made them for a variety of reasons: i certainly like the idea of self-assessment, but feel that it needs to happen more than once a year for me and focusing on setting resolutions on a set day seems a little disingenuous; my relationship with food and dieting has been all-consuming for much of my life and setting up resolutions to then not meet them is very triggering to me, it feels like yet another weight loss goal that i set for myself and fail to meet; i feel like i’m taking part in The Great Lose Weight/Look “Better” Challenge that most folks set up for themselves through new years resolutions. For a lot of people (and certainly showcased in the media through commercials, advertisements, gym specials, etc), new years resolutions are about looking “better” through weight loss. Inherent in this resolution is the idea that we look like crap if we’re fat. You can see where I’m going with this. Not a fan.

Instead, i’ve spend the last couple days reflecting upon my FA journey. Many days it’s all I want to do. I want to read books voraciously, engage in fantastic conversations with other FA bloggers, educate my loved ones, and spend hours getting inspired by the countless fatshionistas out there. And some days it’s exhausting. I get tired of squeezing into small spaces, of going straight to the accessory and handbag section of most straight-sized stores when i shop with friends, of needing to be the cultural ambassador for fatties when talking to my family, of defending my size, of of of.

Don’t get me wrong. Choosing to do this work and to blog about it has been the best decision I’ve made in my 30 years.

Enter one of my intentions for this year. WordPress has introduced a challenge called The Daily Post. It’s pretty much what it sounds like – one post a day for the year. That seems a bit on the daunting side to this new blogger, so instead I will be partaking in their “post a week” challenge throughout the year. For the last couple months of 2010 I posted about once a week and I like the idea of carrying that practice through this entire year. To a wonderful, challenging, inspiring, and intention-setting year!

the talk.

tonight I had The Fat Talk with my folks. we’ve discussed my weight and health my entire life, generally with some combination of tears, anger, frustration, and sadness. i should preface this with the statement that my parents love me so very much and they are my favorite people in the world. they are two of the most compassionate, loving, selfless, and all around fan-fucking-tastic people I’ve ever known. however, they, like the rest of us, live in a sizist society, so until I began to explore FA, our conversations about my weight and health (the two always came together) were really hard for me. They are both in the medical field and I was raised to put a lot of trust in medicine. so when they told me I was at a higher risk for diabetes, heart problems, high blood pressure, you name it, because of my weight, i trusted them. And I was a kid with some shitty self-esteem at times (who wasn’t?). i didn’t feel pretty enough or thin enough and they wanted nothing more in the world than to make it better for me. i won’t get into the specifics about what used to be said when i was younger, but suffice to say that we didn’t and still don’t often talk about my weight because it is a big ol fatty fat mcFat elephant in the room. Best to just move along and not force awful conversations if we don’t have to.

but with this blog and my work with FA, i’ve become much more comfortable having these difficult conversations. so we talked tonight. They told me about how they are concerned I am lonely and unhappy. They talked about how they wanted me to lose weight as a young person (and now) because they thought I would have a better chance at finding love. And they told me about their concerns for my health – my increased risk for diabetes and so on. And then I got to share my feelings with them; I got to educate them on FA. I promised them I’m not faking my happiness just to get them to shut up. Sure, i’m lonely sometimes. but so are skinny people! And if I wanted a damn boyfriend, i could have one. all sorts of fat people have partners. I just haven’t found one that is as awesome as me yet. I was able to stay grounded and tell them that while I want to incorporate more fruits, vegetables, and whole grains into my diet and to move more each week, it’s possible that i may never lose another pound in my lifetime. I think this was a huge shock to them, because they still hold out hope that one day I will decide to lose 40 pounds and then my life will be better. But it’s important for them to hear that my life is great now and that I can be healthy AND fat (and have been for most of my life). As for the health stuff, this is where it gets a bit tricky. We discussed HAES a bit and they agreed with my statement that health indicators change for the better with a good diet and moderate exercise, regardless of a person’s weight (Dr. Dean Edell is my mom’s hero and he has said as much). But when we get really down into the specifics about an increased risk for diabetes and such, I can feel myself slipping back into my kid-self, unsure of the medical language, not well-versed in the ins and outs of discussing peer-reviewed articles, etc. They know medicine, they’ve been in the field for 30+ years. I don’t feel comfortable (or educated) enough just yet to jump further into the “being fat doesn’t necessarily put you at a higher risk for [fill in the blank].” so i’m able to set boundaries – we won’t talk about this aspect of FA until I feel more prepared. And we may just need to agree to disagree.

bottom line is, my parents have been married for 31 wonderful years. they love each other with a kind of love that is pretty rare these days. they want the same things for me and they fear that because i’m fat, i’ll never get them. ALL of their concern stems from love for me, I get that. and i don’t begrudge my dad’s seeming inability to get past the fact that it’s possible i may never lose a single pound again. he was raised in a large family where women were regularly called out on their “weight issues.” he is in medicine. to him, it’s fairly straight forward. lose weight and have a better chance at happiness, because the world is rougher for fat folks. so i won’t fault him for his thoughts. what i will fault him for, however, is a refusal to start to try and see the world in a different manner now that he’s talked. and i trust and love him – he will work on it.

fat people are happy. fat people live normal lives. in fact, we DARE to be happy and live normal lives when many of us are told on a daily basis through subtle (and hit-you-over-the-head) ways that we don’t deserve to be or do either. and right now what i’m most happy about is having parents who want only the best for me and who can truly listen to me and try to see the world through my eyes just a little bit.

fa and haes

Intellectually, I’m down with both. Played out in real life, it’s a bit of a different story. I should probably define HAES. “Healthy At Every Size” is a phrase coined by Dr. Linda Bacon, a researcher and nutritionist out of UC Davis (I think? Maybe someone else came up with it before and her book brought it to the mainstream, I don’t know). She wrote “Healthy at Every Size: The Surprising Truth About Your Weight.” Some of the main HAES points can be found here in the HAES manifesto; it focuses on debunking the myriad myths out there (fat people die sooner than non-fat people, being fat makes you more susceptible to various health problems, etc). I haven’t read the book (it’s on the way to my apartment right now, yay!), but from what I can gather, HAES is a philosophy/way of life (cringe, i don’t like that. makes it sounds new age-y and self help-y, but there you go. Dr. Bacon may not define it as such.) that encourages us to listen more to our bodies, to honor them, and to focus on eating things that we love (not to label foods as “good” or “bad”) and finding joy in movement. Bottom line is, according to HAES, most health indicators can be changed through changing health behaviors, regardless of whether weight is lost. Not too shabby, right?

However, as i’ve said earlier, eating has become something of a political statement for me. but it’s getting bigger than that. It’s almost like NOT working out has also become a political statement; being fat in and of itself is a political statement. Losing weight is not a goal of HAES, being healthy is (and keep in mind that fat doesn’t equal unhealthy). However, I feel such a charge around even the word “healthy,” for it has been used to mask fat-hating and fat-bashing in my life. “I’m just concerned about your health.” “It doesn’t matter that she works out, she can’t be healthy and weigh that much.” “Fat people are X times more likely to get diabetes, die of a heart attack, [insert other medical issues here.]”

Sometimes I feel that if I embrace HAES wholeheartedly, I will somehow become a traitor to my activist self. I guess that presupposes that living a HAES lifestyle will cause me to lose weight? And that I can’t both love myself now and work on FA and lose weight? It’s definitely a matter of taking the word “healthy” back. Yes, I can be fat and healthy. And in fact, I’ve been fat and healthy my entire life. It’s more than that. I don’t FEEL healthy right now, and THAT scares the shit out of me because I’ve always been healthy. Well, feeling healthy and being healthy can be two different things, however. And I am technically healthy (insofar as regular health indicators are concerned, blood pressure, glucose level, etc). It just doesn’t feel like it. I feel slower and have less energy. And some would say that carrying extra weight is the cause. I’m not sure I agree. Or maybe I don’t want to agree? I know what I don’t want – I don’t want my weight to be the readily-available scapegoat for anything that’s wrong. Can’t sleep well? Lose weight. Knee hurts? Lose weight, fatty! Lack of sleep could be due to stress. Or loud neighbors. My knee was hurting when i first moved, and I didn’t go to the doctor because I was fairly certain I would be told to be less of a fattie and then magically my knee would get better. Want to know what i did instead? Got a memory foam pad for my bed and the knee pain went away! It’s true, I didn’t actually go to the doctor and hear her tell me that my weight is the reason my knee was hurting, so it’s a little unfair to assume that would be the case. But only a little unfair. (i’m brewing a post on being fat and going to the doctor, stay tuned)

Separating FA and HAES is important as well. I can remain true to my FA self and demand that I be treated with the respect and dignity that everyone deserves, regardless of their body size, AND I can work on being healthier. It also feels like it could be triggering around my food issues. Is the word “healthy” just replacing “good” foods? If I eat something “unhealthy” is that a failure. This smacks of diet talk to me, and diets do not work. I’ve gained and lost I don’t even know how many pounds in my life (hundreds?), and I refuse to go back to that “good” v “bad” food place (more on food policing later, but fabulous blog posts on that topic found here and here).

the diet industry – making billions since the beginning of time!

So yesterday the FDA recommended approval of a new weight loss drug, Contrave. They did so even though it may actually raise blood pressure. And does anyone remember Meridia? The FDA pulled it off the market in September because it feared the potential increase in heart attacks. Oh, and long term studies showed that folks lost, on average, five whole pounds. Don’t know about you, but the opportunity to lose five whole pounds is definitely worth risking a heart attack for me. /sarcasm. But hey, if taking a pill every day isn’t your cup of tea, you can always get bariatric surgery, which recently became available for more folks, thanks to the FDA’s (again! so helpful!) decision to expand the availability of the lap-band surgery to patients who are less obese. For folks with a BMI of 35, they don’t even need to have any health complications!

I’m not denying that some people would like to lose weight. I’m not even denying that some people perhaps should lose weight for health reasons (true health reasons, not “oh you’re fat therefore you must be completely and totally unhealthy” reasons). I am also a firm believer in personal autonomy about one’s health – if you want to lose weight, and if you want to lose it using a pill or lap-band surgery, I will not question your decision. This statement is somewhat controversial in the FA movement. Some people in the movement believe that ANY medical intervention (pills, surgery) designed to help you lose weight is not within the true framework of Fat Acceptance. I disagree. If those medical aids help you, then who am I to jump in with my opinion on the matter? But, weight loss surgery and pills don’t get even get CLOSE to solving the underlying issue. I wish that instead of spending 30 billion dollars on the weight loss industry, we focus instead on being Healthy At Every Size and we recognize and celebrate beauty in all shapes and sizes. Sounds hippie, I know. Doesn’t mean we don’t strive for it.

And while I’m at it, the BMI sucks also. Check out this fantastic slideshow designed to demonstrate its absurdity.

body snarking – no thank you.

One of the things I love most about the FA movement is its central tenet that all bodies/shapes/sizes are wonderful and that no one has the right to pass judgment on others bodies. whatever you look like, rock on. whatever weight feels most comfortable and right to you, rock on. our job is not to tell you the “right” foods to eat, the “right” and “flattering” way to dress, or the myriad ways in which your choices are going to make you OMGDIEOFTHEFATS.

Recently, I was out with some friends at a bar. the conversation turned to a skinny celebrity and the following was stated: “she is gross,” “you can see her rib cage,” “it’s just not healthy,” “i want her to eat more.” I was extremely uncomfortable. People had opinions about what some random person they will never meet (heh, i wrote that as “meat” at first) is EATING. And opinions about that person’s health, one of the most personal aspects of our lives. How the hell do we know what she eats? How healthy she is? More importantly, why do we feel a need to comment on it?

When we body snark about anyone – fat, skinny, in-betweeny – we are just buying into the idea that there is an ideal body type, a “right” way to look. To me, there is very little difference between calling someone a fatty fat heifer and exclaiming disgust at the fact that you can see someone’s ribs. Both take place because people believe they have the right to police others’ decisions, bodies, lives.

I’ve been wondering why I didn’t say anything to the group when the snark was in full effect. I think I was just too chicken. I didn’t want to be the one to put a damper on the evening, to drag the conversation into “serious land.” Also? I just wanted to have beer with friends after work, wind down from the hectic week, and relax. So do i just ignore it and strike up a conversation with anyone who isn’t participating in the snark? Leave in a huff? silently sit and start drafting a blog post in my head? I did the first and the last. I’m not afraid that these folks will, like, cease to be my friends. And in fact I’m fairly certain they will agree with me. Despite knowing those two things, I still said nothing. I’m not mad at myself for remaining quiet. This experience is one of many like it and with each one, I learn something. Yay for learning!